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Why don't men ask women out any more?
According to the authors of He’s Just Not That Into You, the only reason a man doesn’t approach a woman is because he doesn’t want to. “If he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out,” they write. Mason Grigsby, co-author of Love at Second Sight, agrees, to a certain extent. “If a guy doesn’t feel there’s an attraction, he won’t ask,” he says. “That’s just human nature. But historically, men have always had to approach women. And if you talk to men about how often they get rejected, they’ll tell you—it gets wearing after a while.”
So wearing that they’ve simply given up asking? “Maybe men are afraid of rejection,” he says. “They’ve lost confidence. Their egos aren’t that good. My number-one dating tip for women is to be proactive about meeting people. If you’re in an elevator with a guy with a nice-looking tie, comment on it. It lets the man know you’re open to a conversation. Most men think women are not open to conversation, they’ve been shut down so much. You’ve got to let people know that you’re open and friendly.”
So wearing that they’ve simply given up asking? “Maybe men are afraid of rejection,” he says. “They’ve lost confidence. Their egos aren’t that good. My number-one dating tip for women is to be proactive about meeting people. If you’re in an elevator with a guy with a nice-looking tie, comment on it. It lets the man know you’re open to a conversation. Most men think women are not open to conversation, they’ve been shut down so much. You’ve got to let people know that you’re open and friendly.”
- Is it fear of rejection? Are you really not that into her? Or is something else? Men, women weigh in!
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, Jun 10 2006, 4:43 PM EDT
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| Started By | Thread Subject | Replies | Last Post | |
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| Anonymous | Fear of Rejection | 4 | Mar 21 2008, 10:17 PM EDT by cle73 | |
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Thread started: May 9 2007, 10:03 PM EDT
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As a guy, the fear of rejection is THE very reason I don't ask women out. Not from a lack of self confidence but because of history. I mean, just think back as far as you can in your own life time and try to remember what your parents and their parents said to you about how men and women used to meet and date. In my opinion, today's dating world has been changed by political correctness and social events. What used to be standard operating procedure "back in the day" is very taboo today or at least considered "so yesterday". Style, finesse, timing, and words used seemed to be so important to women that one slip up can land a guy out the door and into the cold. It ain't worth it.
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| JonBay | What's like asking why dont women stay home, cook, and clean any more? | 0 | Feb 10 2008, 7:05 AM EST by JonBay | |
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Thread started: Feb 10 2008, 7:05 AM EST
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Last time I checked this is the 21st century. I thought people are suppose to be equal? I don't see why it has to be "Only men are allowed to ask women are forbidden", that is exactly like say "Women should not work, they should stay home, cook, clean, and raise children nor should they have any say in anything important". Men asking women made sense centuries ago when men held all of the power. Men could vote, women could not. Men had land ownership rights, women did not. Men worked at a company/business, women did not. So it only had sense for men to ask. Nowadays women have the same rights as men, if not more. Then saying "I except to be asked", is just unfair.
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| Anonymous | well... | 2 | Aug 16 2007, 7:04 PM EDT by Joygirl910 | |
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Thread started: Jun 29 2006, 4:56 PM EDT
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I think it's a combination of both fear of rejection and simply just not being that into someone. If a guy is very attracted to you, chances are hes also intimidated by your stunning good looks or fabulous personality. He may have a hard time approaching you because he is scared of rejection. I think girls need to give guys breaks sometimes and make the first move (even if its just a hello in the elevator) to show them that they just might have a chance. BUT men still should follow through and do the asking...its a guys job right?
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| Anonymous | for men | 0 | Apr 9 2007, 2:46 PM EDT by Anonymous | |
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Thread started: Apr 9 2007, 2:46 PM EDT
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i think u should go over it a few times saying it to your self then try it out on her if it feels good enough to u first dont worry most girls like a man who is striaght up with them
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| ibrox | Not rejection - attack | 1 | Mar 7 2007, 4:41 PM EST by TemlynWriting | |
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Thread started: Mar 3 2007, 3:43 PM EST
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I think Temlyn is generally right about conditioned responses. Experiences inform behaviors. In the 1990s it was legally acceptable not only to get insane about saying no, but to work it to ruin a man's life. Now if a woman can just say "no" in a respectful and kind manner - what most of us would hope for out of a rejection - then it wouldn't be such a problem. What happens with enough frequency to make men cautious, however, is the emotional, psychological, and - best of all - political attack. The last is hellbent on destroying a man's career for asking. Now if you're just talking about little schoolboys, fine, *maybe* it's just fear of rejection, but what makes rejection painful for any man over 18 and mature is not the rejection itself, but the threat of attack. Although psychological, emotional, and political abuse does not leave physical scars, it can be far more destructive - even to the point of leaving post-traumatic stress reactions. So if you see some guy that was headed your way and then suddenly seems to hit a brick wall of fear - that may be what is going on: at some point in the approach the memories of being attacked come back and they get deadlocked in an internal debate about if you're even a safe person to ask. At this point, you might want to make a move to show you're not the enemy.
If you present yourself as someone condescending, judgmental, manipulative, sadistic, depressed, vindictive, hateful, or otherwise even mildly destructive, then this idea will be well-justified and his defensive reaction to leave will be a functional safety measure, not from being shy. Legally speaking, however, destructive rejection behavior is no longer acceptable and is now considered a form of sexual harassment. Not everyone knows this, however, as the case law behind it was poorly publicized. Some workplaces have not yet adjusted either, leaving an open door for potential lawsuits. |
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