Settle the Money Question

With everybody bringing home the bacon, the old gender-specific payment rules have become passé. Even etiquette standbys such as Whoever Asks, Pays! may not apply when it comes to Internet dating. After all, didn’t both of you mutually ask each other out? Why should the person with the penis be responsible for the bill? And what if neither party has a penis? Or both parties? Keep in mind that today’s dating world is full of singles of all stripes, each following a different social code, so it makes sense that people will have very strong—and very opposing—views on who gets the privilege of paying the tab. The only true way to find out who has what view is if you communicate this information to each other, preferably before somebody loses an eye.

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If it’s critical to your psychological and emotional well-being for someone to foot the bill—you, your date, the both of you, the company expense account—relay that up front, during the ask, not during some kind of silent standoff after the check arrives. A simple “How do you want to handle the bill?” or “How about if I buy the drinks and you pay for the movie?” should do the trick. It’s simple, straightforward, and it has the added advantage of giving women (or anyone else, for that matter) the opportunity to remove the specter of sexual commerce from the equation.

“My basic rule of thumb is that the person who does the asking does the paying,” says Peter Post of the Emily Post Institute. “But many women don’t want to be put in a position where they feel as if they owe the guy something as a result of him taking them out to dinner. I tell my daughters to negotiate the paying at the time the ask occurs, not when the bill arrives.”

One final note: No matter who offers to pay the tab, both parties should bring enough money—cash or credit—to get through the entire date. Unless, of course, your idea of a romantic evening is being hauled in for vagrancy.