Learn to Listen

"You’ve heard it again and again: to be popular, be a good listener. Yes, [even] the most brilliant monologue becomes tiresome. In order to make friends and attract people, you must pay attention to them."

—Sally Simpson, Popularity Plus, 1950

Do you give good voice? Can you talk about anything—or, more importantly, nothing—with humor, charm, and appeal? If so, you’re blessed, because for you there will never be any of those awkward chasms that can open up in the middle of a conversation, swallowing up your hopes for a fascinating exchange like so many tossed rocks. Unfortunately, the art of conversation doesn’t come easily for everybody. Some of us are shy or reserved; others blather on incessantly about everything from our impending bankruptcy to the butt boil our cousin got down in Mexico.

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Is this conversation? Maybe yes, maybe no. If the person you’re talking to is just as enthusiastic about butt boils as you are, then you’re fine. But if they’re squirming uncomfortably while you launch into the gory details of the lancing, then that’s not so much a conversation as an exercise in torture. Why? Because a good conversation is a partnership.

See also:

It's All About Give-and-Take
The Conversationally Impaired
Too Much Information!

The Conversation Must Go On

Blowhards, brick walls, fight pickers, gossips. Soft talkers, nervous twitchers, baggage unpackers, dolts. At one point or another, we all find that we’re using crayons when it comes to the fine art of conversation. But neither Rome nor clever repartee was built in a day. Good conversational skills take time to acquire, and half the secret is knowing when to keep your trap shut.

But don’t keep it shut too long. Conversation is a dance, which means everybody needs to keep their feet moving. They talk, then you talk. They ask questions, then you ask questions. The pendulum swings back and forth, back and forth, like seventh-graders doing a slow dance. And speaking of slow, if you feel that your conversations lag, make an effort to get out into the world so you have more to contribute. Read the best sellers, watch the news, peruse the magazine stands, the museums, the farmer’s markets. Visit Madagascar, if you have to.

Be informed, be polite, and be ready to share your airspace with another, particularly if you’re interested in sharing something more—a meal, a movie, a bed—down the road. Practice your speaking skills with others (yes, I’m talking about holding conversations with people you may not actually want to sleep with), then spend even more time learning how to listen, perhaps the most valuable social skill of all.