Etiquette

Perhaps it’s this fear of the e-word itself that causes us to shun its practice. Etiquette brings to mind finger bowls, calling cards, and towers of starched white linen. It conjures up nightmares of musty rooms filled with parchment-faced people, half of whom are wearing monocles and the other half of whom are dead. But as much as we’d like to bury old etiquette before its time, its principles are alive and well—at least in our heart of hearts. Because at its core, etiquette is simply about treating people with consideration, respect, and honesty—and truly, isn’t that what we all want from each other, especially when we’re dating?

“A date is wholly satisfying only when each person is considerate of the other,” writes Evelyn Millis Duvall in The Art of Dating (1968). “Dating is not fun if either of you flirts conspicuously with others, brags about previous conquests, gossips about other dates . . . avoids participation in the activities or makes an issue over minor mishaps. Such behavior is essentially a lack of courtesy and it can really keep you from enjoying each other.”

Good words to live by. I’d add the following:

• Be on time.

• Don’t stand people up unless there’s some kind of emergency, and then make sure you let them know what’s happened.

• Say please and thank you when people do nice things for you, like opening a door, buying a meal, or complimenting you on your outfit (incidentally, “Nice ass” is not a respectful way to compliment someone’s outfit).

• Don’t lead someone on just to be nice. Don’t pick your teeth (or anything else, for that matter) at the table.

• Be polite to the waitstaff at restaurants.

• Never shout, “You still live with your mother?” in a crowded coffee shop.

• Don’t belittle anyone for not knowing Cal Ripken’s lifetime RBI record or verbally castrate them if they can’t remember where they parked their car, even if you are wearing really really high heels.

• Don’t tell someone they’re "pretty for a fat girl (or boy)."

• Learn how to use silverware.

• Don’t gouge people for free meals or free drinks.

• Respect people’s privacy. If they don’t want to talk about their ex-boyfriend, their skin condition, their experiences in Iraq, or why they’re deathly afraid of mimes, don’t badger them.

• If you go to a party with one person, don’t end up having sex with someone else in the back room, unless it’s that kind of party and the two of you have discussed the possibility beforehand.

• Don’t smoke if the person you’re with has asked you not to.

• Do laugh at people’s jokes.

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