Are you social? If so, does that mean you’re a member of several cultural, political, professional, civic, sports, and/or volunteer groups, formal or otherwise? Or does that mean you go to the bars every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday and do body shots with your buddies ’till two in the morning?

If it’s the latter, then you may want to do a bit of reassessment, at least if the sole purpose behind your social agenda is finding “the one.” While going to bars can be a hoot—and a great way to hook up if you’re looking for some casual fun—it’s probably the worst way in the world to make a serious love connection.

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Beyond the Bar Scene

“Most people don’t find successful relationships in bar settings,” says sociologist Jodi O’Brien. “They find them through their workplace, their church, the places where they volunteer, venues where they have a way of getting to know people. Even if you’re a deep, soul-searching person, none of that is going to play out in a bar situation. People only look at what you look like in those venues. It’s not necessarily that the people are shallow—it’s that the situation is shallow.”

In other words, if you’re looking for something more substantial than whisker burns on your face come morning, you might want to ask yourself: Isn’t it about time I joined a bowling league? A wine tasting group? Some kind of professional society?

“Whenever people work together to accomplish something—whether it’s a sport, a church, a book reading group, an arts group, or something educational or political—the jerks are winnowed out very quickly,” says dating advice author Tina Tessina. “Go where there are people doing something productive that you’re interested in doing and you’ll create for yourself a social network, a life purpose, and a place to meet people of character.”

You’ll also be focused on something other than your single status—a professional interest, a recreational goal, or a mutual love of food.

Even the local bridge club can turn into a hotbed of romance, according to Chris, a 42-year-old from Philadelphia.

Queen of Hearts
"About five years ago, when I was single and in my late 30s, I took up the game of bridge. Unfortunately, it had gone out of style, and the average age of the local club members was somewhere in the late 60s. While I love Harold and Maude as a movie, I never viewed it as a dating primer. As they say in bridge, though, you have to play the cards you’re dealt. Not long after I started playing, a brilliant, beautiful 29-year-old woman asked me if I would be her bridge mentor. She was new in town, a rookie at the game. Somehow I managed to find the time to mentor this 'queen of hearts,' and my bridge partner from the fall of 2002 became my life partner in the fall of 2005."