Mayor Quimby isn't just swimming in corruption, he's swimming in his brand new pool. Swimming like a shark does! Where did Diamond Joe get the money for the pool? From the town highway fund, that's where. So next time you hit a pothole, remember where your tax dollars are going - for a refreshing dip.
Bagels Are Old Donuts!
Next time you ask for a "shmear" on that bagel, you should ask for sprinkles too. Why? A "hole" lot of cheating at the Kwik-E-Mart, that's why. Turns out that Apu is selling chewy week-old donuts -- from the bagel bin! Is nothing sacred? In this reporter's opinion, no.
Police Host Race Riot
Another blot on the police blotter: Springfield cops have been taking prisoners out of their cells and making them race each other. In another "shocker", Springfield's finest have been using the electric chair to cook chicken. That's finger-lickin' wrong!
Journalistic Dynamite
Someone is selling uranium to terrorists. This intrepid reporter personally witnessed a powerful figure selling one case of radioactive material to a group of heavily-accented radicals. The terrorists will most certainly use the uranium to make a deadly bomb. And who's selling the uranium to terrorists? Montgomery Burns.
BULLETIN: New Race Discovered Living Six Inches Under Denver -- All Named 'Mortonson'
Something is rotten in the state of Denver. A new race has been discovered living six inches below the city's crust. Will they prove friend or foe? For what it's worth, this reporter hopes "friend."
Spanish And Italian Are The Same Language
Guess which two European languages are actually the same? Spanish and Italian, that's which two! Think I'm lying? Listen for yourself, then apologize... to Mr. X!
They're Controlling Our Minds With Flu Shots
Flu shots never hurt a soul -- or have they? A mysterious cabal is using the oft-injected shots for diabolical purposes -- including mind control!
